like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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