tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
