Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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