he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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