Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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