I think I died a long time ago.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
