I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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