I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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