got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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