I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
