we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
