What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
