I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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