I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
