Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
