I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
