About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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