i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
