some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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