He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
