My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
