remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
