What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
