i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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