So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
