Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Still dying that you shit outside
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
