I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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