She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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