end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
