So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
