She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I need a beard to bite.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
