Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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