So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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