I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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