how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
