Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
