Who did Billy Mays play for?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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