I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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