wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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