every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
