On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
