I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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