i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Pants are for mortals
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
