i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
