Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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