Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
