Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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