Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
