so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
