sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
